‘What Didn’t I See?’ The Question Every Parent Needs to Ask
One day, your sweet, cooperative child is laughing at your jokes and begging for one more bedtime story. The next, they’re rolling their eyes and acting like you’re the most uncool person on the planet. Conversations turn into debates, and your once-playful, affectionate kid starts shutting their door or giving you one-word answers.
It feels like it happens overnight. One day, “Daddy” is a badge of honour; the next, it’s a word eradicated from your child’s vocabulary.
When the Shift Happens
The first time Maddie gave me an exasperated sigh. It wasn’t dramatic, just a subtle shift in her tone, but it caught me off guard. The same kid who used to light up at my goofy dad jokes suddenly found me embarrassing.
I thought, When did this happen? How did I go from her hero to someone who annoyed her?
But it’s not just about being “uncool.” It’s about the subtle ways your child’s world starts to change. Maybe they’re shunned by the mean girl crowd, or they come home quieter than usual after school. Perhaps they stop sharing details about their day. These moments seem small, but they’re often signals. We might not notice these things because we don’t want to overreact.
And that’s where the question arises: What didn’t I see?
The Things We Miss
As parents, we want to believe we’re tuned in. We think we know our kids so well that we’ll notice the moment something is off. But the signs are often subtle:
They stop talking as much during car rides.
Their mood shifts after checking their phone.
They laugh less, or their energy feels different.
These changes can feel like growing pains, but they could also be indicators of something bigger: stress, bullying, anxiety, or even depression.
I missed things with Maddie. I saw her struggling with school but assumed it was just part of adolescence. I chalked up her mood swings to hormones. But looking back, I can see how much she was trying to hold in.
Why Asking Matters
What didn’t I see? It isn’t about guilt. It’s about curiosity and connection. It’s about staying open to the possibility of more going on beneath the surface.
When your child suddenly pulls away, it’s tempting to give them space and hope they’ll return when ready. But sometimes, what they really need is for you to lean in.
How to Stay Connected
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of “How was your day?” try “What was the best part of your day?” or “What’s been stressing you out lately?”Be Present Without Pressure
Sometimes, just sitting in the same room can create opportunities for connection. You don’t always have to talk—just being there matters.Watch for Patterns
Pay attention to changes in their mood, behaviour, or routines. These shifts can give you clues about what’s going on.Be Willing to Listen Without Fixing
Your child doesn’t always want solutions. Sometimes, they need to feel heard.Check-in Regularly
Even if they seem fine, make it a habit to check-in. A simple, “How are you really doing?” can open doors or just sit silently with them.
The Painful Reality of Growing Up
One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching your child grow away from you. It’s normal, even healthy, for them to want independence. But it doesn’t make it any easier when they see you differently.
The truth is, you might not always be the one they turn to first. But you can still be a steady presence in their life. You can be the person who sees them even when they’re trying not to be seen.
Final Thoughts
As parents, we’ll never catch everything. We’ll miss signals, misunderstand intentions, and make mistakes. But asking What didn’t I see? keeps us in the game. It reminds us to pay attention, to lean in, and to never stop trying to understand our kids.
Because even when they roll their eyes or sigh in frustration, they still need us. They must know we’re watching, listening, and ready to be there when they need us most.
And maybe “Daddy” will always mean something special, no matter how uncool we become.
