The Best Therapist Book, Few Therapists Have Read

The Gap and the Gain: A Simple Shift That Changed My Life
Written By Chris Coulter

Few books truly change lives, but "The Gap and the Gain" by Dan Sullivan and Dr. Ben Hardy did just that for me. The core message, "Always Measure Backwards," is simple yet transformative. In a world obsessed with future goals, it's easy to get trapped in “The Gap”—constantly comparing ourselves to an ideal state that feels forever out of reach. This mindset can leave us feeling unfulfilled, no matter our achievements.

Instead, Sullivan and Hardy teach us to focus on “The Gain”—measuring our progress against where we started, not against an elusive ideal. This shift gives us a sense of accomplishment and motivates us to keep going. It replaces frustration with fulfillment, and purpose replaces discouragement.

Always Measure Backwards

Reflecting on how far we've come, rather than fixating on what’s still ahead, is powerful. This mindset shift has been a game-changer. In moments when I felt overwhelmed by devastating events in my life (lost business, divorce, loss of Maddie), measuring backwards helped me see my growth, recognize small wins, and regain my motivation. It’s a reminder of resilience, turning perceived failures into steps forward. It’s hard to imagine I can look back on the most devastating event in my life, the loss of Maddie, and see the good that has come from it. That’s some crazy ass shit! Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of sad days reminiscing about my daughter, but this Gain mentality helps you reconcile things and events in the past.

Sadly, without my experiences with Maddie, I would never be a resource for so many parents with struggling teens. My loss of Maddie has helped me become a better listener, writer, human being, and a stronger voice for those who need it. I get to do this to honour Maddie.

Impact on Relationships and Mental Health

This approach isn’t just for personal growth; it’s a tool for nurturing relationships, especially with our kids. I experienced this firsthand with my son, Sawyer, who tackled a challenging summer job selling Business Accounts for a major online retailer. Faced with rejections and cold calls, Sawyer worked on straight commission. Initially, I focused on "The Gap," emphasizing his need for sales, getting money in the bank and saving for school. And I thought I was a good coach. But when I shifted to a “Gain" approach—acknowledging how far he had come from his first day, his bravery, resilience and persistence— I was proud of him for believing in himself. I may have seen a slight hint of a smile on his face. Same experience, much different outcome.

Measuring backwards helps our kids see their progress and builds their confidence. It teaches them to value their journey and boosts their mental health. By celebrating their gains, we help them appreciate their growth and inspire them to keep pushing forward.

A New Approach for Coaches and Leaders

Consider adopting this mindset if you’re a coach, leader, or parent. Encourage those you guide to measure backwards. Celebrate their progress, skills, and resilience instead of fixating on distant, often unattainable goals. This shift can transform mindsets, foster resilience, and promote continuous improvement. It creates a culture where every step forward is celebrated, and setbacks are seen as learning opportunities.

Too often, we chase unreachable goals, failing to pause and reflect on how far we've come. We get lost in the hustle, always looking ahead and rarely satisfied. Measuring backwards allows us—and those we lead—to gain perspective. It’s not about hitting a specific target but acknowledging growth, honouring our efforts, and propelling ourselves forward with confidence and pride.

So, if you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, take a moment to look back. Celebrate your gains, and remember: progress is a journey that deserves recognition every step of the way. Always Measure Backwards, and see how it transforms your outlook, motivation, and life.

Thank you, Dan Sullivan and Dr. Ben Hardy, for enriching my life. Your work allows me to ponder and reflect on how much I’ve grown. I wish I had this tool in my toolbox 15 years ago.

#TheGapAndTheGain #AlwaysMeasureBackwards #GrowthMindset #LeadershipTips #TheStrategicCoach

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