When the Storm Hits, We Grab an Umbrella, But Rarely Ask if We’re the Thunder

It’s Not Just Their Storm: Why Your Growth Matters in Parenting Teens

There’s this moment in parenting, a season, really, when your sweet, wide-eyed child starts slamming doors, rolling eyes, or replying with grunts instead of conversation. And for many parents, it feels like a betrayal. “Where did my child go?” they ask. “What happened to our connection?”

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Nothing “happened” to your teen that didn’t also happen to you.

Yes, adolescence is turbulent. But often, parents cast themselves as passive bystanders, or even victims, in their teen’s development drama. We forget that parenting teens isn’t just about managing their emotions; it’s about owning ours.

The Mirror We Avoid

I saw this firsthand with the HowAreYouFeeling program. Parents and teens were offered access to the same emotional support tools. But guess what?

Less than 5% of parents actually used them.

The parents who did reported dramatic shifts in how they listened, stayed calm, and started responding, not reacting. These weren’t perfect parents, but they were present, and their teens felt it.

So why didn’t the others show up?

Because many parents don’t think they’re part of the problem.

They believe their teen’s mood swings, shutdowns, and defiance are just “normal” teen behavior, something to wait out or discipline away. But the truth is that teens mirror the emotional climate of their home. If we aren’t modeling regulation, communication, and emotional honesty, we can’t expect them to learn it from thin air.

A Call for Curiosity, Not Criticism

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about blame. Parents are exhausted, overwhelmed, and often unsupported themselves. But what if we got curious instead of defensive? What if we asked:

• Why does my teen feel unsafe sharing with me?

• What am I modeling when I respond with frustration or sarcasm?

• What if I need support, too?

The teens in our TeenSpeak Series have said it outright: “We wish our parents would listen without trying to fix.” “We feel judged when they ask about school or friends.” “We don’t need lectures, we need understanding.”​

But that requires us to do the work, to get uncomfortable, and to sit in awkward silence instead of rushing to solve the problem.

The 5% Mindset Shift

The 5% of parents who joined the HowAreYouFeeling course weren’t just curious; they were courageous. They asked themselves the hard questions and learned how to respond calmly, compassionately, and confidently. And their relationships changed.

They learned things like:

• How can you ask better questions (“What’s been on your mind lately?” instead of “What’s wrong with you today?”)?​

• How do you validate feelings, not just outcomes (“I see how much effort you put in,” instead of “Why isn’t this an A?”)?

• How to reconnect after conflict without guilt or shame​

A Better Way Forward

You're not alone if you're reading this and feeling regret or recognition. The truth is, teens don’t need perfect parents. They need reflective ones.

They need parents willing to say:

“I might have missed something. But I’m here now, and I want to do better.”

That simple shift from defense to openness might be the most powerful gift we can give our kids.

So to every parent navigating the hard years: take the course. Read the book. Ask for help. Not because your teen is broken. But because you’re brave enough to grow, too.

Want to be part of the 5% who show up differently?
Explore our Parent Video Series or join our upcoming Parent-Teen Communication Workshop and start building the connection your teen is craving.

Because the teen years aren’t just about their growth.
They’re about ours, too.