What Does Healing Look Like Years After Loss?
Nearly ten years have passed since we lost Maddie, but grief remains a constant companion. Time has shifted the nature of the pain, though, and in many ways, it has transformed me. Back then, I was like a boat without a rudder—lost, devastated, and overwhelmed by emotions I could barely process. I struggled to distinguish days from nights, often feeling like I was running on autopilot.
The Early Days: Moving Without Direction
Those first months were brutal. There was no bereavement leave for me, no pause button on bills, so I kept going. I stayed busy coaching my boys' hockey, holding on to routines that tethered me. My sons became my anchor; their presence kept me grounded. But underneath, I was adrift, indifferent to life, feeling as if I were gradually losing all oxygen.
Understanding the Weight of Grief
Grieving a child changes you in ways that are hard to explain. Recently, I read a study from University College London that reports bereaved parents are 65% more likely to attempt suicide, and I understand why. The air around you thickens, and your vision blurs. The fire you once had dims. Ten years later, I’m still working through it. I am different—less competitive, maybe a little more subdued—but in some ways, I feel I've gained a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me.
Becoming Kinder Through Loss
I’ve grown kinder, gentler, and far more empathetic. Losing Maddie shifted my priorities; I want to leave a mark on this world, not just for me but for her, too. My boys have their own paths, but I want Maddie’s life and my own to mean something beyond what we experienced. I value relationships differently now. I tell people I love them openly, focus on the goodness in people, yet keep my circle small. Solitude is no longer lonely but peaceful—I cherish early mornings with coffee, writing, and quiet reflection.
A Renewed Sense of Purpose
My conviction for helping youth has grown into a relentless drive, almost an obsession. It pushed me to rethink my purpose entirely. Today, my mind is clear, sharp, and energized in ways it hadn’t been for years after Maddie’s passing. It took about five years to find my footing, to truly come up for air, but now I feel more purposeful than ever. The things that motivate me today are different—they’re rooted in a vision for change, a legacy that honours both Maddie and the life I want to lead. I’m proud of this journey, not only for finding a way to live beyond survival but to live with meaning and passion.
Moving Forward With Purpose, Not Just Survival
I've come to understand that healing isn’t about moving on but moving forward with purpose—carrying Maddie’s light with me, honouring her life by being fully present in mine, and choosing every day to live with intention, compassion, and love. I like this version of Chris Coulter. Difficult circumstances can harden us, but they can also soften us if we let them.
