It Doesn’t Need to be Weird: 5 Empathetic Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

Many people have difficulty supporting someone who is going through a difficult situation or grieving the loss of someone or something. I believe most people have the best intentions; they lack the skills to truly support someone. As a consequence, many avoid situations. When we lost Maddie, I saw how some people avoided talking about Maddie, even some very close friends. I didn’t fault them for this; it’s a difficult situation that doesn’t come with a handbook or list of best practices for supporting someone grieving.

Supporting someone through difficult times is one of the most meaningful things we can do, yet it’s also an area where good intentions can sometimes go astray. Often, we jump to solve problems, offer advice, or try to lift spirits—only to find that our support doesn’t have the impact we hoped for. It's easy to overlook that, in their hardest moments, people may need compassion without expectations and presence without pressure. How we show up for those we care about can make a world of difference, and that starts with shifting the focus from what we think would help to what they actually need. This guide is here to help you support others in a way that genuinely uplifts them, creating a space where they feel safe, seen, and cared for—without unintentionally adding to their burden. Remember, we do this to support our family members or friends, not to make us feel better about ourselves.

Here are the top five ways to ensure your support is genuinely helpful:

1. Listen Without Fixing
   Often, the best support comes from just listening. Avoid the impulse to offer advice or solutions unless they ask. Allow them to feel truly heard, validated, and understood. Put the onus on you to be present and attentive, rather than on them to share everything.

   Example: A friend shares that they’re feeling overwhelmed with family responsibilities. Instead of responding with, “Why don’t you ask for help?” or “Maybe you should try delegating tasks,” simply say, “That sounds really challenging. I can only imagine how heavy that must feel for you right now.” This lets them know you’re fully present and willing to listen without imposing advice, creating a space for them to express their feelings without pressure to act.

2. Ask How You Can Help
   Directly ask what would be most helpful for them rather than guessing. A simple, “What would be most supportive right now?” shifts the focus to what they truly need. Putting the onus on yourself to understand, rather than assuming, helps ensure you’re providing what they actually want.

   Example: Your coworker recently experienced a personal loss and seems withdrawn. Rather than guessing what might be helpful, you could ask, “I want to support you however I can—what would be most helpful right now?” or “Would you prefer some space, or is there anything I can take off your plate for a bit?” This shows respect for their preferences and keeps you open to whatever kind of help they need.

3. Show Up Consistently
   Support isn’t a one-time gesture. Consistently checking in with a short message or call shows they’re not alone. Make it your priority to reach out regularly instead of leaving it up to them to ask for help.

   Example: Your sibling has been struggling with their mental health and sometimes withdraws. Instead of waiting for them to reach out, you send a simple message every few days, like, “Just wanted to check in and let you know I’m here if you need me,” or, “Thinking of you—no need to reply, just wanted to say I’m here.” These messages show consistent presence without pressuring them to respond, which can be a lifeline when they feel isolated.

4. Offer Specific Help, Not Vague Offers
   “Let me know if you need anything” can feel like a burden. Instead, suggest something specific, like “Can I drop off a meal?” or “Would you like some company?” This will take the onus off them to ask and make it easy for them to accept support.

   Example: Your friend has been going through a tough time since losing their job. Instead of saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” offer something specific: “I’m planning on making extra food this weekend—can I bring some over for you?” or “Would it help to go for a walk together?” Offering concrete actions makes it easy for them to accept support without feeling like they’re imposing on you.

5. Respect Their Boundaries and Process
   Healing takes its own course for each person. Respect their need for space or quiet if that’s what they prefer, and let them know it’s okay to reach out whenever they’re ready. Focus on being available on their terms, not yours.

   Example: A family member who has experienced a loss wants more time alone. You might say, “I completely understand if you need some space. Just know I’m here whenever you feel ready to talk or need company.” Giving them permission to take things at their own pace allows them to grieve or heal without feeling pressured, knowing they have your support when they’re ready.

You’re right if some of these appear to be contradictory.

At the end of the day, true support isn’t about trying to be the hero or solving everything. It’s about showing up in a way that respects someone else’s experience and honours their needs above our desire to fix things. Think of those moments when you’ve felt truly supported—when someone listened without judgment or simply held space for you. Those gestures, small as they may be, have a lasting impact. Let’s each commit to supporting others in a way that puts the onus on us, not them. If we approach support with empathy, humility, and the willingness to simply be there, we give those we care about the gift of knowing they’re not alone. In times of darkness, that’s often the most powerful thing we can offer.