The Carrot, the Stick, and the Secrets to Parenting Success
Parenting Isn’t About Getting It Perfect
Parenting is one of the most challenging roles we take on. There’s no manual, no universal roadmap, and often, it feels like a delicate dance between guidance and control. I’ve been mentoring young adults for the last six months, if you include all my coaching assignments I’ve volunteered for the last fifteen years. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned comes from the incredible book The Gap and the Gain by Dan Sullivan and Ben Hardy. It’s taught me to approach parenting and mentorship with a fresh perspective. It focuses less on control and more on connection.
Currently, I’m mentoring a great 19-year-old young man. He’s bright, kind, and full of potential, but like so many at his age, he just needs a little confidence, direction, and accountability. Through this experience and the many mistakes I’ve made parenting my own kids, I’ve discovered six key principles that have reshaped how I view parenting success.
1. The Problem with the ‘Gap Mentality’
Most parents approach their kids with what Sullivan and Hardy call a ‘Gap mentality.’ It’s a mindset that focuses on what’s missing, what’s wrong, or how far a child is from meeting a set of expectations. This often translates into a carrot-and-stick approach: “Agree to our list of demands, or there will be consequences.” While this might seem like effective parenting, it creates a power divide.
Parents are trying to exercise control, while teens, naturally, want to assert their independence. The result? Conflict becomes the norm. Shifting from the Gap to the Gain and focusing on progress rather than shortcomings can transform this dynamic. By celebrating their efforts and small wins, you nurture a collaborative environment rather than a combative one.
2. Accountability Over Control
Teens and young adults thrive on accountability when it’s built on mutual respect, not authoritarian control. Instead of micromanaging, try creating a partnership. Ask questions like, “What do you think your next step should be?” or “How can I support you in reaching your goals?” This approach empowers them to take ownership of their actions and decisions.
We've set small, achievable milestones for the young man I’m mentoring. He’s learning that accountability isn’t about fear of punishment but staying committed to his growth. It’s incredible how this slight shift can boost confidence and motivation.
3. Celebrate the Wins—Big and Small
A key takeaway from The Gap and the Gain is the importance of measuring progress backwards rather than forwards. Instead of focusing on how far your child still has to go, look at how far they’ve come. Celebrate their wins, no matter how small.
This principle is transformational. For the 19-year-old I mentor, we’ve made it a habit to reflect on his achievements at the beginning of each week. Whether it’s making progress on a school project, taking a risk in a social setting, or going to the gym twice a week, these moments of reflection help him see his growth and build his confidence. Sometimes, we need to guide them to realize their ‘wins’, especially if it’s not their nature to measure them.
4. Listen More Than You Speak
One of the most overlooked aspects of parenting and mentorship is the power of listening. Teens often feel unheard, which can lead to frustration and rebellion. Simply sitting down and asking open-ended questions can work wonders.
When I spend time with the young adults I mentor, I make it a point to listen without judgment. Their fears, dreams, and struggles are valid, and by showing them that their voice matters, you foster trust and mutual respect. This foundation is crucial for long-term growth and trust.
5. Model Resilience and Vulnerability
Teens learn as much from what we do as from what we say. If you want them to confidently navigate life’s challenges, show them how it’s done. Share your struggles and failures and how you’ve grown from them. Vulnerability doesn’t weaken your authority; it strengthens your connection.
The young man I mentor recently shared how much it meant to hear about a mistake I made at his age. He realized he was not alone in his struggles and that even the most successful people face setbacks. Modelling resilience and relatability shows them that challenges are normal for growth.
6. Practice What You Preach
By no means am I a perfect parent. I’ve made plenty of mistakes to date and, no doubt will continue to make mistakes. Parenting is frustrating at times. We repeat ourselves endlessly, thinking this will yield a better result. Recently, the parents of one of my mentees and I had a discussion about progress. They wanted to continually take a punitive approach to parenting.
This is not a criticism of parenting because we’ve all done some version of this at some point in our parenting careers. For some reason, when our teens give us any form of pushback, we tend to go on an offensive front. Anyone who says they’ve never done anything remotely close to this, please line up on the left after the reading to receive your Parent of the Year medal.
These parents monitor my mentee’s driving using an app (His past driving record may warrant a little concern). It identifies when he is speeding or driving erratically. I related a story from a couple of years ago. My insurance company incentivized me to drive with one of these apps for a discount on my car insurance. I took the bait and signed up. It was frustrating as hell. I’m certainly not the same driver I was when I was twenty, but this app made me want to throw my phone out the window.
One of the parents sent me screenshots of his driving behaviour and then said, "He is banned from going on the highway until further notice," and asked for my thoughts on the consequences imposed. I asked the dad, "If we were to monitor your driving by using this app, what would we find out?" He saw the wisdom behind the statement and said, "Okay, I get it now."
These are beautiful learning moments. It’s not just our teens that need to continually learn.
I also recommended that both parents read The Gap and the Gain. What a little context can do to bridge potentially challenging situations is amazing.
Remember, if we don’t like the behaviour of our teens, perhaps we need to look at our own behaviour first.
A New Approach to Parenting
Parenting isn’t about wielding authority; it’s about fostering connection, trust, accountability, and growth. By shifting from the Gap to the Gain, we can create an environment where teens feel supported rather than controlled. We set the stage for success by celebrating progress, listening with empathy, and modelling resilience. It's not just for our kids but for ourselves as well.
Parenting isn’t about being perfect, and it’s not supposed to be. But when we approach it with intention and a willingness to grow alongside our teens, we can create relationships built on trust, respect, and love. And that, in my opinion, is the ultimate parenting success.
