Why the Words ‘I Don’t Know What to Say’ Mean More Than You Think

The Smallest Action is Better Than the Biggest Intention

Grief is a language without rules. It’s a space where words often fail, and silence can feel unbearably heavy. If you’ve ever found yourself at a loss when supporting a grieving friend, you’re not alone. You’re also not failing. Sometimes, the most profound gift you can give is simply showing up, even if the only words you can muster are, “I don’t know what to say.”

When someone is grieving, they don’t need perfect words. They need presence. Acknowledging their pain, even with a simple, honest admission of not knowing what to say, can mean the world. It’s a small but powerful reminder that they’re not alone in their darkest moments.

I had friends who came and visited. I’m not even sure if we said anything. And that didn’t matter to me. It was nice just not to be alone.

It can be uncomfortable initially, but it doesn’t have to be weird. I’ve been on either side of the grief-receiving line. Instead, try these five ways to support a grieving friend when words feel inadequate:

1. Say Their Name

One of the most comforting things you can do for someone grieving a loss is to say the name of their loved one. Often, people shy away from mentioning the deceased, fearing they might upset the grieving person. But hearing their name can feel calming. It’s a reminder that their loved one isn’t forgotten. You might say, “I’ve been thinking about Maddie a lot,” or share a memory of them. These small gestures acknowledge the depth of their loss while honouring the life that was lived.

If you notice how much I mention Maddie’s name, you’ll likely understand what hearing her name does for me.

2. Show Up Without an Agenda

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and your support shouldn’t either. Sometimes, the best way to help is to simply be there without expecting anything in return. Sit with them, bring over a meal, or offer to run errands. Your presence speaks louder than any words ever could. It’s okay if there’s silence. Just being there lets them know they’re not forgotten.

Friends came over and tried to drag me out for a walk. It’s the first thing I needed and the last thing I wanted. Sometimes your friends want to do something because it’s the best thing for you. Insert said walk. Some days, it has as much comfort as stripping you down and throwing you into an ice-cold shower. These little “interventions” are well-intentioned yet seldom met with enthusiasm.

3. Offer Practical Help

Grief can be utterly exhausting, leaving little energy for everyday tasks. Rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” consider offering something specific: “Can I bring dinner over on Thursday?” or “I’d love to help with yard work this weekend.” These tangible acts of kindness can lighten the load during an overwhelming time.

After we lost Maddie, we had a meal on our doorstep every day until we said we were good. I don’t think the boys and I ever ate so well. Unfortunately, I had little appetite, but that didn’t deter the boys. It was one of the many incredibly kind things done for us weeks after Maddie’s passing.

4. Respect Their Grief Process

Grief is deeply personal. Some people need to talk, while others may need space. Avoid trying to “fix” their pain or rushing them through it. Instead, let them set the tone for how they process their emotions. Be patient, even if their grief looks different from what you expected. Simply saying, “I’m here for whatever you need,” can permit them to grieve in their way.

I was one of those avoidant ones. I became reclusive, especially if I didn’t have the boys. I’m sure I wore the same clothes for a week straight. I really didn’t care. And I really didn’t care if someone was offended by it.

5. Check In Long After the Loss

Grief doesn’t end with the funeral. The weeks and months after can be some of the loneliest times for a grieving person. Make a note to check in: a quick message or phone call to let them know you’re thinking of them. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can be particularly tough. Reaching out during these moments reminds them they’re still supported and your loved one is still be remembered..

After Maddie’s Celebration of Life and visitation, there was so much attention on us, and then, nothing. You hear the conversations in your head because they never stop. I was grateful for the support, but the calls didn’t come as frequently after the funeral. For me, months two and three were the hardest. Let’s face it: they’re all hard months moving forward.

Acknowledgment Matters More Than Perfection

It’s easy to overthink what to say when someone is grieving. But grief isn’t about saying the perfect thing but acknowledging the loss. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you” is often enough. These words don’t minimize their pain or try to fix it. They meet them where they are, with honesty and compassion.

Your presence and acknowledgment can create a small island of comfort in a sea of sorrow. It’s not about having the right words; it’s about being willing to stand beside them, even in silence.

A Final Thought

Grief can feel isolating, but your willingness to show up—even imperfectly—makes a difference. The words “I don’t know what to say” are a brave admission of your humanity and a heartfelt expression of care. They may not erase the pain, but they remind your grieving friend that they don’t have to face it alone. And in the end, that’s what matters most.