A Gentle Guide to Surviving the Holidays When You’re Grieving

10 Years of Grieving During the Holidays

This year, I’m ten Christmases without Maddie. I still don’t enjoy them. I love getting together with family and friends, but I don’t love the overwhelm it brings, the pressure to normalize my emotions, even for a few hours. The pressure of gifts, lunches and putting a smile on my face. I hit a point where I want to retreat into my room and just scream, “Enough already!”.

Does this make me a Scrooge? I want to embrace the holidays, but I just can’t. I feel what I feel, and I can’t fake it.

The holidays can be a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness, but for those who are grieving, they often bring a different reality. Instead of feeling festive, we may feel the ache of what’s missing, the empty chair at the table, or the silence where laughter used to be. If you’re carrying the weight of loss this season, I want you to know you’re not alone.

Grief doesn’t take a holiday. It doesn’t step aside to let the festivities roll in. Instead, it often feels magnified during this time of year, when traditions, memories, and expectations collide.

I still remember the first Christmas after we lost Maddie. Our family always had a tradition of volunteering at the Toronto Mission on Christmas Eve. We would help serve breakfast, sing carols, and watch kids open presents that had been donated. Maddie had such a giving heart. She’d light up when she saw a child’s name called to receive a gift, clapping as if she’d just witnessed a miracle. Maddie understood how giving can make you feel joy. I haven’t been able to renew this tradition since Maddie’s absence.

Grief Doesn’t Take a Holiday

The holidays are filled with triggers. A favourite song, an ornament, or even the smell of a particular meal can bring a wave of memories and emotions. It’s important to acknowledge this. You’re not “doing it wrong” if you feel sad or overwhelmed.

Grief isn’t something you overcome in a single season. It’s something you carry. And it’s okay to carry it into the holidays.

Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself

This season, permit yourself to do less. You don’t have to attend every event or keep up with every tradition. Let it go if decorating the tree or cooking a big meal feels too heavy this year.

When we lost Maddie, I felt pressure to maintain the “normal” holiday routines for her brothers, Zac and Sawyer. But I soon realized we didn’t need to force traditions that no longer felt right. Instead, we simplified. We focused on what truly mattered: being together. My boys understood. It wasn’t about the gifts, gestures or circumstances. It was about doing just enough to acknowledge Christmas without letting it overwhelm us.

Honour Your Loved One in Meaningful Ways

Finding ways to honour your loved one can bring a sense of connection. It might be lighting a candle, hanging an ornament in their memory, or sharing a favourite story about them at dinner.

My boys understood. They never put pressure on me, and I’m grateful for their kindness. Some years are easier than others. Other years can feel heavy.

If this year feels too painful, that’s okay too. Sometimes, just surviving the season is enough.

Lean on Your Support System

Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a grief support group. Let them know what you need, whether it’s someone to listen, help with errands, or sit quietly with you.

When I was at my lowest, I hesitated to reach out. But every time I did, I was reminded how much love and kindness still existed around me. It didn’t erase the pain, but it made it more bearable.

Practice Radical Self-Compassion

The holidays often come with a long list of “shoulds.” You should feel happy. You should keep traditions alive. You should put others first. But grief calls for a different approach.

Be kind to yourself. Rest when you’re tired. Cry when you need to. Find small comforts, whether a tranquil night in, a quiet walk, or a favourite book.

I’ve learned that grief doesn’t follow a timeline or care about holiday calendars. It’s okay to feel however you feel, without guilt or apology.

Embrace the Idea of “Surviving” Instead of “Thriving”

It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that we need to “make the holidays special.” But sometimes, just getting through the season is an achievement.

For years after Maddie’s passing, the holidays were about survival. It wasn’t about creating magic. It was about creating space for whatever we needed in that moment. And that was enough.

Closing Thoughts

If you’re grieving this holiday season, remember there’s no right or wrong way to navigate it. Be gentle with yourself. Honour your feelings, honour your loved one, and take it one day at a time.

The holidays may never look the same, but that doesn’t mean they can’t hold new meaning in time. For now, focus on surviving. That, in itself, is an act of courage.

If you have traditions or ideas that have helped you through the heaviness of the season, I’d love to hear them in the comments. We can find calmness even for a few minutes.