Your Child Doesn’t Have to Be ‘Fine,’ They Just Need to Be Heard
The Lie Every Teen Tells: "I'm Fine."
It happens every day.
You ask your teen, “How was your day?”
They respond, “Fine.”
End of conversation.
But fine doesn’t always mean okay. Sometimes, it’s a shield. It’s easier than explaining what’s really going on.
As parents, we want to believe that our kids would tell us if something were truly wrong. But the truth? They don’t always feel safe enough to do so. And if we don’t listen, really listen, we can’t understand. And if we don’t understand, we can’t help.
Why Teens Stop Talking to Their Parents
Teenagers don’t shut us out because they don’t care. They shut us out because they fear what will happen when they open up.
Here’s what goes through their mind:
"If I tell my parents, they’ll overreact."
"They’ll just give me a lecture."
"They won’t understand."
"I don’t want to disappoint them."
They aren’t necessarily wrong. Parents react, and arguably, many overreact. We try to fix things. We offer advice before fully hearing them out. We get mad when they trust to come to you with the truth.
And the moment they feel judged, misunderstood, or unheard? They shut down.
The Cost of Not Listening
When teens feel unheard, they stop talking to their parents and everyone else.
Instead of sharing their worries, they bottle them up.
Instead of asking for help, they convince themselves they must handle it alone.
That silence can turn into stress, anxiety, risky behaviour, or even mental health struggles.
🔴 Example: A teen struggles with school anxiety but avoids telling their parents because they fear a lecture about “working harder.” Instead of seeking support, they keep quiet, until their grades spiral and they feel completely overwhelmed.
When a parent finally realizes something’s wrong, the teen has already spent months (or years) suffering in silence.
What Listening Actually Looks Like
Most of us think we’re good listeners. But are we listening, or just waiting for our turn to respond?
Here’s what real listening looks like:
Stop Trying to Fix Everything. Sometimes, they don’t need a solution, and they need to be heard.
Validate First, Advise Later. Saying “That sounds really tough” before giving advice makes all the difference.
Make Space for Unscripted Conversations. The best talks happen when they don’t feel forced. I had rules after heading home after a hockey game or practice; we didn’t talk hockey unless they initiated the conversation.
Control Your Reactions. If they think you’ll freak out, they’ll stop telling you things. Temper your reaction. That means words and facial expressions.
👂 A Simple Shift: Instead of asking, “Are you okay?”, try, “What’s been on your mind lately?”
Where Mentors Succeed and Parents Struggle
Here’s the hard truth: Sometimes, teens need to talk to someone who isn’t their parent.
Not because they don’t love or respect you. But they need a different kind of listener who isn’t emotionally tied to their choices.
A mentor provides:
✅ A judgment-free space
✅ A fresh perspective
✅ A safe place to talk without pressure
✅ A leverage-free conversation.
Creating the Right Support System
Your teen doesn’t just need you; they need a network of trusted adults.
This isn’t about replacing parents. It’s about expanding their circle of support.
How to find the right mentor:
A coach, teacher, family friend, or structured mentorship program
Someone who listens first and speaks second
Someone they respect but don’t feel pressured by
Your Teen Doesn’t Have to Be ‘Fine’, They Need to Be Heard
If your teen isn’t opening up to you, it doesn’t mean they don’t need you, it means they need to be supported differently.
Your job isn’t to have all the answers. It’s to ensure they have someone to turn to, someone who will respond calmly, respectfully, and unemotionally.
Start here:
Ask your teen real questions. Then listen.
Normalize talking about struggles before they become crises.
Consider introducing a mentor into their life.
Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say to your teen isn’t advice.
It’s “I hear you.”
