If Your Teen Isn’t Talking to You, Who Are They Turning To?

If Your Teen Isn’t Talking to You, Who Are They Turning To?

One of the hardest things I’ve had to come to terms with as a parent is this: if your teen isn’t opening up to you, that doesn’t mean they’re not talking to someone.

Because they are.

Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s a sibling, a coach, or someone online. But they’re trying to sort through their feelings somewhere. And if it’s not with you, the question becomes: Why not?

I don’t ask that in a blaming way. I ask it as a parent who’s made mistakes.

Does Your Teen Trust You?

Trust with our kids isn’t automatic. It’s not guaranteed just because we love them or provide for them. Trust is built slowly, in small moments, and lost just as quickly.

Your teen might trust you to get them to practice, to help with school, or to show up at their events. But do they trust you with the emotional stuff? With the things that make them feel embarrassed, overwhelmed, or scared?

They might not. And that doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just means something’s been shaken, and it might need to be rebuilt.

The Moment I Blew It

I’ll never forget a moment with Maddie.

She came to me upset about something that had happened at school. A group of girls had left her out, and she felt hurt and isolated. She chose to share that with me, and that was huge.

But instead of just sitting with her and letting her talk, I jumped straight into “Dad-mode.” I tried to fix it. I offered advice. I asked too many questions.

What she needed was space to feel. What she got was a well-meaning lecture.

She didn’t come back to me with anything like that for a long time. And I get it. She offered me her trust, and I handled it poorly.

They Don’t Want to Be Fixed, They Want to Be Heard

This is where so many of us slip up.

Our instinct is to help, to protect, to fix. But most of the time, our teens aren’t looking for solutions. They’re testing whether we can handle their truth.

They’re asking:
Can I trust you to stay calm?
Will you listen without judging?
Will you just sit beside me in this, even if it’s uncomfortable?

When we rush in with answers, we send the message that their feelings are a problem to solve, instead of something worth sitting with.

If They’re Talking to Someone Else, That’s Okay

It might hurt to realize your teen is opening up to someone else. But it’s not a failure. If they’re talking to someone, that’s a good thing.

We don’t have to be the only one they confide in. But we do need to be someone they can confide in.

Keep showing up. Keep the door open. Keep the reaction calm.

Next Time They Open Up, Listen

Take a breath if your teen shares something with you, big or small. Hold back the urge to fix. Just sit with them.

Because when a teen opens up, they’re not just telling you what happened. They’re giving you something far more important.

They’re giving you their trust.

And what we do in that moment matters more than we think.