Hate When People Try to Fix Your Problems? So Does Your Teen
Getting Unwanted Advice Doesn’t Feel Good
I recently caught up with a friend. We hadn’t spoken in months. It wasn’t because of any falling out, but because I needed some distance. The last time we spoke, I was sharing a difficult situation I was going through, and before I could finish, he jumped in with a stream of advice.
“You need to do this,” he said. “Have you tried that?”
I know he meant well. But the truth is, I didn’t need advice at that moment. I needed someone to just sit with me in what I was feeling. Instead, I felt judged. Unheard. Like I haven’t spent any time thinking about it.
That conversation stuck with me. Not just because it pushed me to take some space from a friend but because it reminded me of something I’ve seen so many parents do with their kids. And before you say, “No, I never do that!” Yes, likely you do. And it’s the single largest reason why your teen doesn’t share with you
When our kids share their struggles, how often do we jump into “fix-it” mode? And how often does that push them further away? The good news is, they shared something with you. The bad thing is, it will be some time before they share with you again.
I still recount making a comment on my son’s Instagram account. He blocked me the next day. He still hasn’t let me follow him since. I think it’s a long-running joke with him now. There must be a statute of limitations on a first offender, right?
Remember, conversations don’t require hammers, saws and screwdrivers..
Why Unsolicited Advice Often Backfires
Most of us don’t like receiving advice we didn’t ask for. It can feel dismissive, like the other person doesn’t trust us to handle our problems, or worse, they don’t understand what we’re trying to say.
Teens feel this even more intensely. They’re at a stage in life where they’re trying to assert their independence and figure out who they are. When we step in with solutions before they’ve even asked, it can feel like we’re taking that autonomy away.
Think back to a time someone gave you advice you didn’t want. Did it make you feel supported, or did it make you shut down, or make you regret sharing with them in the first place?
Imagine how your kids feel when they’re met with the same approach. Right?
The Biggest Parenting Mistake: Trying to Force a Conversation
As parents, it’s natural to want to help. When we see our kids hurting, our first instinct is to fix or make the problem disappear.
But here’s the thing: trying to force a conversation or offering advice when it’s not asked for rarely works.
Parents have told me, “I just make my kid sit down and force them to talk to me. I don’t let them avoid the conversation.” But then they wonder why their teen keeps retreating, shutting down, or avoiding them altogether.
Pressuring your teen to open up often has the opposite effect. It reinforces the idea that talking to you will lead to judgment, lectures, or solutions they didn’t ask for.
How to Get Your Teen to Open Up: Stop Asking Them to Talk
One of the most common questions I hear from parents is, “How do I get my teen to talk to me?”
The answer is counterintuitive: stop asking them to talk.
Kids don’t open up because they’re forced to; they open up because they feel safe. And creating that safety starts with listening without an agenda.
Instead of jumping into problem-solving, try validating their feelings. Say things like:
“That sounds really tough. How are you feeling about it?”
“I’m here if you want to talk about it more.”
These phrases tell your teen that you’re there to support them, not to fix them.
I’ve heard some dads say to me, “I’ll never talk to my kid that way.” Then, you may never really know what’s going on with your teen.
These are all principles of emotional intelligence. Sadly, a skillset not widely seen amongst many. Why do few people have decent EQ abilities? Because they take a lot of work.
When we were going through our crisis with Maddie, I dug into anything to help understand what was going on with my daughter. It’s not easy and it’s not second nature to many. For many parents, they forget a lot of the EQ rules when it comes to their kids.
Why Listening Is More Powerful Than Advice
When we hold back from offering solutions, we give our kids the space to navigate their challenges independently. This doesn’t mean you can’t guide them, but it has to happen on their terms, not yours.
Listening builds trust. It shows your kids that you respect their ability to handle life’s ups and downs. And it teaches them that they can rely on you, not for answers, but for unconditional support.
Creating Opportunities for Organic Conversations
Sometimes, the best conversations happen when you’re not trying to force them. Here are a few ways to create opportunities for your teen to open up:
Go for a drive. There’s something about sitting side by side that makes talking feel less intimidating. Yes, and let them control the radio. Some of my best conversations with the kids came driving to and from swimming and hockey.
Share an activity. Whether cooking, hiking, or shooting hoops, doing something together allows natural conversations to flow. After Maddie passed, the boys and I would play hoops for hours—nothing like getting schooled by two punk kids.
Be present. Sometimes, being there without expectations sends the message that you’re available when they’re ready. Admittedly, my vice is my phone. I try to stay off them, but it’s freakin tough. Kids and their phones? I know adults who are even worse. But we can rationalize it because “it’s work.” Let’s stand behind parent integrity, not parent hypocrisy.
The Key to Building Connection with Your Teen
Your teen doesn’t need you to fix everything for them. They need to know you’re there, no matter what.
The next time your teen shares something with you, resist the urge to jump in with advice. Pause. Listen. Validate. And trust that, in time, they’ll come to you, not because you forced them to, but because they know you’re safe to talk to. What you discover is amazing when you shut up and genuinely start listening. And that discovery comes because they’re finally beginning to trust you. Now don’t f#&k it up!
You’ll discover that your relationship has started to improve. Keep resisting the urge to jump in…….just LISTEN! When your teen says, “I really feel heard”, you can thank me later.
