Good Cop, Bad Cop Parenting: Are You Supporting Your Teen or Undermining Your Partner?
Are You Supporting Your Teen or Undermining Your Partner?
It’s a scenario I experience all the time:
One parent is the fun one: the confidant, the one who says yes, the one their teen runs to when they want something. The other parent is the disciplinarian. The enforcer of rules, the one who says no, the one who gets the eye rolls and slammed doors.
Does this sound familiar? It can be confusing for your teen and detrimental to your relationship.
This can be very common in households where parents are separated or divorced. I’m not going to lie; it’s usually the dad.
Many parents naturally fall into these roles. But here’s the real question:
Are you supporting your teen, or are you unintentionally undermining your spouse or your co-parent?
Why Do Parents Fall Into These Roles?
Most couples don’t set out to be opposites in parenting. It just happens.
One parent had strict parents growing up, so they wanted to be more relaxed.
One parent had little structure, so they felt pressure to enforce rules.
One parent is around more and ends up handling more of the discipline.
One parent hates conflict and would rather keep the peace.
Over time, one parent becomes the “good cop” while the other takes on the “bad cop” role.
And guess what? Teens notice. Marriages get tested.
How This Affects Your Teen
This dynamic might seem harmless, but it can have significant consequences.
✔ They Play You Against Each Other
Teens are smart. If they know one parent will say no, they’ll go to the other. “Mom said no, so I’ll ask Dad.” Over time, this creates division in the household, and they learn to manipulate situations.
✔ Resentment Toward the ‘Bad Cop’
When one parent is constantly enforcing the rules, they become the villain. Instead of seeing discipline as love, your teen sees it as unfair punishment.
✔ Lack of Consistency
Your teen gets mixed signals if one parent sets rules and the other bends them. “So… does this rule actually matter?” Inconsistent parenting weakens boundaries and expectations.
✔ Unrealistic Expectations for the Future
Life doesn’t always come with a “good cop.” If teens aren’t used to structure, accountability, and consequences at home, they may struggle with authority later, whether in school, work, or relationships.
How This Affects Your Marriage
This imbalance doesn’t just affect your teen; it affects your relationship.
✔ Creates Frustration
The “strict” parent feels unsupported, while the “fun” parent feels like they’re just keeping the peace. Over time, this leads to resentment and tension.
✔ Weakens Parental Authority
When one parent lets things slide, it undermines both of you. Teens start seeing rules as flexible and start testing limits.
✔ Leads to Burnout
The disciplinarian feels exhausted from always being the one to say no. The good cop feels guilty for taking sides. No one wins in this situation.
So what’s the solution?
How to Parent as a Team
✔ Have Private Conversations About Discipline
Never argue or contradict each other in front of your teen.
If a big decision arises, say, “Let me talk to your mom/dad, and we’ll make the decision together.”
Present a united front so your teen knows rules aren’t up for negotiation.
✔ Find a Middle Ground
If you’re the strict parent, ask yourself: Do I need to be this rigid?
If you’re the fun parent, ask yourself: Am I making parenting easier for myself at my partner’s expense?
Work toward a balanced, authoritative approach—firm but fair.
✔ Define Each Parent’s Role Together
One parent might handle curfews, while the other focuses on schoolwork.
Share discipline responsibilities instead of one parent always being the “bad guy.”
Agree on non-negotiables (respect, safety, responsibilities) while allowing flexibility on smaller things.
✔ Support Each Other in Front of Your Teen
Even if you don’t fully agree, back each other up.
If you feel like your spouse was too harsh or too lenient, discuss it privately—not in front of your teen.
Final Thought: Partnering vs. Undermining
Being the “good cop” can feel easier in the moment. It avoids conflict, keeps your teen happy, and might even feel like it strengthens your bond.
But if it comes at the expense of your spouse’s authority, you’re not just supporting your teen but weakening your partnership.
The goal isn’t to choose sides. It’s to work together so your teen respects both of you, not just as individuals but as a team.
Have you ever fallen into the "good cop, bad cop" dynamic? How did you handle it? How did it affect your marriage?
