The Parent-Mentor Myth: 7 Reasons It Doesn’t Work
Why Parents Can’t Be Their Teen’s Mentor
I love to mentor the next generation—young men who are in late high school or university and really starting to figure shit out. Older boys get a bad rap sometimes. They don’t live up to their parents’ expectations. They may not do as well as their younger sister in school. They aren’t mature. There are a lot who don’t have a high sense of urgency.
Am I generalizing? Of course, but there are an awful lot of boys who fall into this category. They lack direction. They lack confidence. And pray that they know about self-awareness, empathy, and self-regulation. Many parents ride their sons, mostly because they’re taking their time to figure things out. And sometimes, the only leverage the sons have is their ability to piss off their parents.
I build a deep trust with my mentees. This takes time. You need to get them to open up about the things keeping them up at night and unable to share with their parents. I have a contract with each mentee that states, “The Mentee has the freedom to share the details of our session with his parents. But the Mentor cannot share info with the parent unless the child agrees or they feel there may be a potential risk to their safety.” It’s essential to have this in place. It’s impossible to help and guide if no trust exists.
So, as much as I value my relationship with my Mentees, I could never be a Mentor to my boys. Parents want the best for their teens, but being both a parent and a mentor is nearly impossible. The parent-teen relationship is too layered. You’re not just their confidant but also their disciplinarian, cheerleader, and the one who reminds them to throw their socks in the laundry basket. That’s a little too much access to information.
Mentors, on the other hand, provide neutrality. They don’t bring emotional investment, family history, or the authority that parents naturally have. Teens often resist parental advice, not because it’s wrong, but because it comes from someone they associate with rules and expectations.
A mentor guides without judgment, asks open-ended questions and empowers teens to navigate challenges. This requires an objectivity that parents, understandably, can’t offer.
By stepping back and letting a mentor provide guidance, parents allow their teens to benefit from fresh perspectives and unbiased support, complementing the love and care only a parent can give.
1. You’re the Rule-Enforcer, Not the Guide
As a parent, you provide structure and make tough calls. A mentor’s role is different. They guide without imposing rules or consequences. Teens need space to explore ideas without worrying about repercussions, something that’s hard to offer when you’re also in charge of curfews and chores.
2. Your Expertise Doesn’t Always Match Their Needs
Parents might be knowledgeable, but not in every area, their teens need guidance. Whether it’s navigating a specific career path, excelling in a sport, or dealing with identity challenges, mentors with specialized experience can fill these gaps. A teen interested in technology or sports might benefit more from someone who’s pursued those paths than from well-meaning but limited parental advice.
3. Emotional Investment Clouds Objectivity
Parents love deeply, making it hard to offer the detachment mentoring requires. Parents often react emotionally when a teen makes a mistake, focusing on protection rather than exploration. Without this emotional weight, mentors can ask questions and guide conversations in a way that feels safer for teens.
4. The Parent-Teen Dynamic Includes Resistance
Teens naturally push back against their parents as they strive for independence. Even sound advice from a parent can be met with resistance simply because of who it’s coming from. A mentor, free from the family dynamic, offers guidance that teens may be more willing to embrace.
5. Familiarity Reduces Credibility
Parents’ actions at home often overshadow their wisdom. Teens see every imperfection, from losing patience to forgetting details. This familiarity can make it harder for teens to see their parents as a source of guidance. Mentors, as outside voices, don’t carry this baggage, making their advice feel more credible.
6. Some Conversations Feel Too Personal
There are topics teens hesitate to discuss with their parents, like relationships, mental health, or identity struggles. A mentor can become a trusted confidant, creating a space where teens feel comfortable sharing without fear of judgment or disappointing someone they love.
7. Teens Benefit from Diverse Perspectives
Teens thrive when they hear from a variety of voices. Mentors bring fresh perspectives and experiences that complement, rather than replace, parental guidance. They offer insights parents might not have because of different life paths or expertise.
Conclusion: Focus on Parenting, Not Mentoring
Teens don’t need their parents to be mentors; they need them to be loving, supportive, and steady parents. The best way to help your teen grow is to recognize when someone else can provide guidance you can’t. Let a mentor step in and offer what only they can while you focus on being the parent your teen needs most.
