Transforming Pain into Purpose: A Journey of Love, Loss, and Inspiring Change

Does the hurting ever stop? I don’t know because I’m not even close to being there yet.  A big part of me wants the pain to go away but not at the cost of the memories.  The memories are what I cherish, what I hold onto when I want to feel close to Madeline.

I felt this two months after Maddie’s death, and this is still how I feel today, over eight years after her death.

We tragically lost our daughter Madeline on April 11th, 2015.  What I have experienced since that day has been unimaginable.  My youngest son said to me, “Dad, I’ve seen you cry about 50 times in my life, two years ago and about 49 times in the months immediately following Maddie’s death.”  It’s true. Eight years after the fact, I still well up several times a week.

In the first two months following our loss of Maddie, I was more emotional than I was in the first weeks after her death.  My feeling of loss was more apparent than ever.  In the first weeks following Madeline’s service, I had had such clarity and focus.  I had never been more productive and efficient at work.  I almost felt guilty.  Slowly, the dark clouds started to set in over the next few weeks, and my once crystal-clear vision became muddied.  Each day was a new experience, and unsure what the next day would bring.

Friends, family and strangers felt this need to ask me about it, for not acknowledging Madeline would almost be disrespectful.  People wanted to help me somehow, but they weren’t sure how, and honestly, I’m not sure how they could’ve either.

We saw incredible acts of kindness.  People had dropped off prepared dinners and just helped to make life more manageable.  People dropped off gifts, food, pictures and notes of kindness.  People offered to carpool the kids to sports and school events. It made my life much easier.  At times I wondered, “How did I cope with all this stuff previously?”  I guess we just did.

In that first month, I’d seen what the power of social media was capable of doing.  I had my first post go viral.  I don’t think it was because it was Pulitzer-worthy, but that our family tragedy had become an important topic in conversations between parents and kids, teachers and students, and friends to friends. This helped to destroy the stigma about mental illness.   It also gave me a greater awareness of a community of suicide survivors. This was a membership that I’d rather not belong to.  Unfortunately, I did.

Because of what we’d been through with Maddie’s death, people wanted to share their darkest and most personal secrets with me. On some level, I’d felt like a priest taking confession.  I don’t say this to be facetious, but I find that many people deal with some serious issues.  

The other thing that startled me was how many people faced mental illness issues and continue to do so today. They may be dealing with depression personally or have a loved one that has been deeply affected by depression or anxiety.  The positive takeaway is that people were seeking or have sought help for their illnesses.  The bigger problem remains on getting access to existing follow-up programs.  Navigating the system is proving challenging for many of these people.  This was the challenge that we faced with Madeline and her illness.

We’ve seen some wonderful fundraising initiatives spearheaded by Madeline’s friends, parents, and people who want to contribute time, money, or resources. Many amazing people have made an incredible difference in bringing access and awareness to the entire mental illness issue.  For the past eight years, teams have been organized to participate in the Scotiabank Half Marathon.  Hundreds, if not thousands, of participants, have participated in many fitness challenges.  We have seen kids raising money by many creative means.  Many companies have sponsored events with proceeds being donated.  Many school charities have dedicated their annual charity to The Maddie Project. Many did so because they believed in the cause and youth mental health was becoming an epidemic in their schools. Madeline’s name is an endowment fund that can be reached through  The Maddie Project for those who want to contribute to the cause.

NYGH Foundation renovated a 12,000 sq ft century home called Phillips House, which will house programs for families dealing with mental illness.  The Foundation hopes that Phillips House will become a template for similar facilities that will emerge across Ontario and Canada.  The Maddie Project, to date, has raised over $3 million. $1 million was earmarked for Maddie’s Healing Garden, a wonderful garden setting on the grounds of the Phillips House. Maddie was passionate about having access to nature when she stayed at North York General Hospital. Studies have proven that access to nature helps in the treatment of mental illness.  I only wish Madeline was here to see what she’s helped to inspire.

I don’t think the hurting will ever stop, and a part of me doesn’t want it to.  So much passion and purpose have come from this tragedy. The pain keeps you focused.  The pain gives you resolve.  The pain allows some stars to shine brighter for the benefit of others.