Why I Won’t Answer How Maddie Died—and 5 Questions Never to Ask a Grieving Parent
When a parent loses a child to suicide, the grief is immense, complex, and ongoing. Friends and family often want to support and understand but can unknowingly ask questions that reopen wounds or add to the pain. While some of these questions may come from a desire to help, they can often have the opposite effect. Here are some of the questions best left unasked—and why creating space for a parent’s grief without pushing for details is the kindest approach.
Avoid Details About the "How"
"How did they do it?"
One of the most painful and intrusive questions a grieving parent can face is about the specific way their child died. Asking how they took their life forces the parent to relive details they may be trying to process or move beyond. While it might be natural to wonder, focusing on this traumatic event can strip away the memory of the child’s life, reducing them to the moment they passed. Instead, showing a genuine interest in who the child was—their laugh, their kindness, the things they loved—honours their life and legacy in a way that feels compassionate. I’ve been asked a few times how Maddie died. I’ve answered it very directly; “We don’t answer that question.”
Understand That Many Suicides Aren't Foreseen
"Did you see it coming?"
Though often unintended, this question can feel as though it places blame on the parent. Suicide is complex, and often, parents who lose a child to suicide are already struggling with intense feelings of guilt and questions about whether they missed any signs. When someone asks, "Did you see it coming?" it can stir those feelings, as though the parent should have been able to prevent this tragedy. The truth is that mental health struggles are often invisible, and even the most vigilant and loving parents may never see it coming. Supporting parents means acknowledging this complexity and letting them know they did everything possible.
Respect Personal Notes and Final Messages
"Did they leave a note?"
It’s natural to be curious about a final message or note, but asking about it can be extremely invasive. If they exist, such notes are deeply personal and may contain thoughts or feelings the parent is not ready to share, or may never share. Parents may feel protective over that final connection with their child whether or not a note was left. It’s a private part of their grief and healing, and you could inadvertently intrude on that sacred space by asking. Instead, listen to what the parent chooses to share and respect that not all details are meant to be known by others.
Be Sensitive to the Whole Family’s Grief
"How did it affect your other children?"
When a family experiences a suicide loss, every member feels the impact. While it’s understandable to be concerned for the siblings, asking this question can imply that the parents are responsible for handling their children’s trauma on top of their own. Parents already carry an enormous emotional load, often worrying about the well-being of surviving children without being prompted. Instead, offer your support to the entire family, respecting that each member of the family grieves differently. Let the parent lead the conversation on how they’re handling things rather than prompting them to take on more.
Don’t Assume Peace
"Do you think they’re at peace now?"
This question may come from a place of comfort, but it can stir unresolved spiritual or philosophical questions for the parent. For many grieving parents, the idea of peace can be elusive and complicated. They may struggle with the notion, and it’s not something they want to confront in the thick of grief. Rather than focusing on peace, it’s often more supportive simply to acknowledge the depth of their loss and offer your presence. Some questions have no clear answers, and being there in silence can be a powerful way to help.
Offering True Support
Instead of probing, allow the grieving parent to set their own boundaries and share what feels right for them. Every parent handles their grief differently; what one person may find comforting, another may find invasive. A more supportive approach is often to listen without judgement, acknowledging the pain without trying to make sense of it.
When in doubt, a simple, heartfelt expression—"I'm here for you"—is often the most comforting thing you can say. It reminds the grieving parent that they’re not alone and opens the door for them to share as much or as little as they choose. By respecting their boundaries, we show compassion and honour the memory of their child in a way that brings comfort, not more pain.
Grief is complex and raw. Even though your inquiries may come from a place of genuine concern, it’s better to take your cues from the grieving parent. If you’re uncertain whether to ask a specific question, better to exercise on the side of caution.
