From Darkness to Light: A Father's Perspective on a Tragic Loss

This week marks the six-month milestone since our family experienced a life-altering event. Time has flown by, yet the wounds remain etched in our hearts.

We are constantly confronted with the question of why Madeline had to leave us and whether her passing could have been prevented. People often attribute blame to the public health system, but it's not a belief I hold entirely. Madeline was surrounded by love, and although we may never know if she fully understood the depth of that love, she unquestionably showed and gave affection beyond comprehension.

Madeline was in immense pain, a pain that few can truly fathom and, hopefully, even fewer will ever have to endure. We believe she wanted to heal, but the agony she experienced was overwhelming and at times uncontrollable. I remember a particular day when Madeline was on a temporary release from the hospital. She cherished her lattes from the in-house Starbucks, but more than anything, she looked forward to those moments at home. On one such afternoon, it was just the two of us. We engaged in light conversation and played a game of Anomia, a game she played with unmatched fervor and enthusiasm. She rarely lost, and that day was no exception as she swiftly defeated me. Then, something changed. Like a storm rolling in from the ocean, darkness engulfed her. She said, "Daddy, you need to take me back to the hospital." I don't know what suddenly overcame her, but she recognized the danger she felt. In that moment, she sensed a threat, a threat originating from within herself.

I cannot pretend to comprehend the depth of her emotions that day or on the occasions leading up to that fateful evening of April 10th, but I acknowledge the genuine pain she endured. Madeline tried to shield those she loved the most, even if it meant sacrificing herself.

Many claim that suicide is a cowardly act, but I hold the opposite belief. Madeline was trying to protect us throughout this agonizing ordeal. She believed her illness burdened us greatly and wished to spare us from enduring her private hell. In the end, we believe she sought to end our suffering, not her own. Her final act was one of selflessness, not selfishness. This conviction is reinforced by the endless tears shed since that fateful night.

We are far from comprehending the anguish felt by these angels or the pain they endure. It is imperative that we embrace these vulnerable youths with compassion rather than misunderstanding and apprehension.

Next week, over 100 individuals, including men, women, and children, will participate in the Maddie Project run. Our sons will run in honor of their sister, raising funds for young individuals grappling with mental illness. We kindly request your sponsorship for Sawyer and Zac as they contribute to this incredibly worthwhile cause. We extend our heartfelt gratitude in advance for your ongoing support and generosity.

As many anticipate Thanksgiving as an extended weekend in October, this year I will view it through a different lens. I am profoundly grateful for my boys and their unwavering love, as well as for my family and friends who have helped make the past six months somewhat bearable. I will forever cherish our beautiful Madeline, who showered us with love until her final breath.

Let us engage in open, unbiased conversations about mental illness. Together, let's ensure that these angels no longer suffer in solitude.